The paradox of solitude
by Scandium Isogone
Summary: Who could he be mourning, when he was the very man that was taking so much people away from their loved ones ? When he even sacrificed their friendship to devote himself to world domination ? Suzaku can't forgive Lelouch for all the wrong he did to him. Lelouch refuses to talk to Suzaku. Days pass and the Zero Requiem is coming. Will Suzaku ever know the truth before it's to late ?


**Hello dear readers, this is actually a trad, please be nice it's the first time I try this and english isn't my first language ;) I hope you'll enjoy this !**

* * *

It was one in the morning, well maybe two. Or had time stopped ? Had it frozen the other royal quarter's occupants with it's icy fingers ? While the white marbled corridors usually echoed with the sounds of the palace's life, this time, only the silence answered to Suzaku's steady breathing. To him, who was rather used to the shattering noise of battlefields than to the peaceful safety of these walls, that silence was deafening. Each second seamed to stretch in the infinity of the thick, dark britannians nights. Like an empty canvas, this darkness seemed to be only waiting for Suzaku, to be painted to his nightmare's colors. The white from the clothes, the red from war and the venomous crimson from the very eyes that haunted him by day and by night.

 _Slumbering, Suzaku remembers the piles of corps and hears the riffles backfiring. Horrified, he sees the pale, cold and lifeless body of his dear Euphemia, deserted from all cheerfulness. Leaning upon her is the threatening shadow of Zero, like one huge predator, ready to throw himself at the poor princess. And on top of that shadow, a face that's painfully familiar : that of Lelouch. Again, Suzaku feels his heart being filled with a burning hatred that consumes him to the core. It can't be helped : more than anything, he would like to close his hands around that slender neck, and to squeeze until the air stops feeding the blackened heart of the murderer. At first, he tries to suppress the violent urge, but then a mischievous glow catches his eye. There, two sharp wings are glistening with malice, remembering him what Lelouch did to him, what he did to Euphy._

 _Suddenly, he sees a tear at the corner of Lelouch's left eye, glimmering sadly as it makes it's way down his cheek. Swiftly, that image shifts and when Lelouch reappears, he's wearing his usual cruel smile. Immediately, Suzaku's vision shifts again and this time, he sees two tears running down Lelouch's face. Petrified, Suzaku looks in astonishment as a deep sorrow reflects on the emperor's features. But then again, his vision is blurred, obstructed by images of the battlefield and memories of Euphemia's death. Suzaku wants to turn around, to cry, he feels despair taking his breath away. And just like that, everything disappears._

Suzaku felt himself being suddenly jostled from his sleep and found himself once again facing the high ceiling. Laying on his bed, he waited for something, anything, to happen. But as seconds ticked in an undisturbed silence, he slowly surrendered: this strange dream had him woken up in the middle of the night and he wasn't going to fall back asleep anytime soon. Annoyed, he sat on the edge of his bed to cool off and think about what he just dreamed of. It wasn't rare that memories he thought long forgotten came back in his sleep to haunt him. Those dreams even got more frequent since he moved into the palace with Lelouch.

Confused, Suzaku couldn't help but dwell on the same questions, over and over: where did this stifling, gut-wrenching feeling come from ? Was it anger ? Frustration? Or was Suzaku simply unwilling to recognize the guilt that was taking over him whenever he was thinking about the friendship he most certainly lost forever? Was he even responsible for this ? Or was it Lelouch ?

At this time of the night, resentment waited patiently in a dark corner of his mind, ready to ease Suzaku's qualms. Lurking in the shadows of the night, it whispered words to him, that made his doubts melt like butter under the sun's beams. Suzaku just couldn't allow himself to hesitate or to be weak when he was about to get his revenge . How could he forget that Lelouch had taken Euphemia away from him ? That he had given the order to massacre the japanese people ? Usually, this reminder was enough to ease his spirits. This time however, things went differently.

Without even remembering that he ever got out of his room, Suzaku found himself standing in front of the mortuary's pool. Lost in his thoughts, he had just wandered in the palace and the flickering light of the candles had awoken him from his trance. Actually, only two of those candles were still burning, and to Suzaku's pride, they were both wearing Euphemia's name. He had lit the first one with Nunally, but what about the other one ? The only person he could think about was Nina, who always stood faithfully on the princess's side. Who else could have ..?

Suddenly, a door creaked open and footsteps could be heard coming from the mortuary's entrance. Suzaku easily recognized the light and steady pace that he knew too well. Too tired and lacking the guts to face Lelouch yet, he made his way toward the pool's exit. A second passage had been built at the other end of the room, so that the visitors didn't have to hide their tears in front of the newcomers.

Suzaku didn't have to see, he could hear the footsteps of two different persons (probably Lelouch and C.C). They stopped in front of the pool, at the exact same spot where he had been standing few seconds ago. What business did Lelouch have in the mortuary ? Who could he be mourning, when he was the very man that was taking so much people away from their loved ones ? When he even sacrificed their friendship to devote himself to world domination ? Strangely, he felt no hatred, only a bitter sadness. Shrugging his shoulders, he made his way to the exit. He and Lelouch weren't bound by anything but the Zero Requiem now, and he couldn't care less about the emperor's business anymore. Determined to get some sleep before the ceremony began, he made his way back to his bedroom.

* * *

Lelouch and C.C had walked into the room and stopped in front of the pool. There, Lelouch kneeled, the two flickering candles lightening his tense features. His tired eyes went to rest on the candle he lit himself.

"- It seems to be doing great. I was afraid that it might go out. It's so bright and so fragile at the same time, it seems that anything could blow it off.

-That's what we call the miracle of life, C.C said. That's also what makes it so precious. One day it burns so bright that you don't even dare to warm your hands around it, and then it just disappears and flows like smoke through your fingers. "

They turned silent again, staring at the candle's multicolored pattern. Suddenly, C.C spoke again.

"-Aren't you going to talk to Suzaku? "

Lelouch seemed to tense at that.

"-I don't know what you mean, C.C. I've been fair to him and he doesn't ignore anything that could serve the Zero Requiem. "

Sadly, C.C wasn't going let him get away with this and her tone became more peremptory.

-" You know fully well what I mean Lelouch. Don't you play this little game with me. I'm asking you if you're planning to tell the truth to Suzaku about Euphemia."

Lelouch went silent again and stared at the pool's porcelain tile with a confused expression. Eventually, he broke that silence:

\- " What do you want me to tell him? Do you really think that he'll like the truth better? Just let him think what he wants, it's maybe better that way. I'm the only one responsible for what happened there and nothing will change that fact that I killed Euphemia !

\- So you're saying that you don't care ?

\- I'm currently the most hated man in the world, which means there's no one out there that doesn't wish my death. Suzaku is only one among them ! I don't have time to _care_ about what he thinks ."

He had said those words with a trembling voice and a hurt expression, clenched fists resting against his thighs. Suddenly, C.C lost her cold-blooded attitude. Lelouch saw her stand like a snake ready to strike. Her eyes burned with more intensity than hell's fire and her hair twirled around her face like thousands of ribbons, tangled in one furious ballet. Only then did this angry goddess begin to thunder:

"- You're a liar, Lelouch ! You lie from the beginning! And not only to me, but you lie to yourself too ! You lie when you pretend that you hate this world, you lie when you say that you wanted all of this to happen, and you lie again when you act like you don't care. So once in your life, Lelouch Vi Brittania, tell me the truth: why do you not talk to Suzaku ? "

Dumbfounded, Lelouch hadn't uttered a word as C.C lectured him. Then, he slowly lowered his head to stare at his feet, like a chastised kid. When she eventually stopped talking, he heard himself whisper:

"- I beg you pardon, C.C... You... I didn't want to-

\- Don't do that Lelouch, please. "

Despite her efforts to keep her voice from trembling, C.C just couldn't hide her anger.

"- I refuse to see you dying all alone, without anyone knowing what you did for them. Is it really what you want ? To sacrifice everything for a people that's going to loathe you to it's last breath ? Well, I won't let that happen. If you won't tell Suzaku, I will.

\- Please C.C, forgive me. Listen, I'm not lying to you when I say that I'm the one responsible for what happened to Euphy. Do you remember what you told me, the day we met ? About the price I'd have to pay in exchange for the Geass. Eternal solitude...

\- I know what I said. What does it have to do with-

\- In this world, everything is settle like clockwork, they are no such things as coincidence. The Geass is like a living being, it makes sure that every Geass user pays his price: eternal solitude. That's why Shirley, Rollo and Euphy died.

\- Do you mean... because...

\- Just because the Geass couldn't keep them away from me. As long as they acepted me as Lelouch, but also as Zero, I still had friends, I still had people to rely on. But most importantly, I couldn't pay my tribute. So the Geass intervened to settle those... irregularities ."

Lelouch had spoken this last word with a bitter smirk, as if he was laughing at his own twisted, cruel fate. A smile that seemed to be only hanging by one worn thread, ready to drop at any moment. C.C was casting a worried glance at this broken man, almost expecting him to suddenly collapse on the floor.

"- Look Lelouch, you don't have to blame yourself for this. You couln't know !

\- I _should_ have known ! I should have... understood, somehow ! Each time I approached someone, they would die in the next hours ! Rollo killed Shirley while she was trying to help me, then killed himself saving my life. And Euphy …"

There was a pause, then he continued through gritted teeth:

"-... Euphy was struck by my Geass seconds after we had both decided to ally."

Was something wrong with his ears, or had he just heard a muffled cry ? But C.C hadn't uttered a word and he simply put it on stress and fatigue.

"- That day, we were both punished . If only I hadn't accepted to collaborate, if only I had stayed away from her, then she would still be alive. If it wasn't for me... But solitude just _hurts_ so much and I've been careless, I tried to renew our bond... I just wanted... just one moment... to escape the Geass and feel a bit less lonely."

His voice was trembling and the emperor of Brittania seemed to be struggling with words, as if he feared that they might crush his heart inside his chest. When he eventually regained control of his emotions, C.C's voice echoed again in the mortuary.

"- If you're so scared to get your friends involved, then why do you let Suzaku near you ? What would happen if he ever forgave you ? Don't you fear that he might suffer the same fate ?"

At those words, his tense features gave way to a strange mixture of both serenity and grief.

"- Don't worry. Suzaku doesn't risk anything, because he won't ever forgive me.

\- How do you know ?

\- Suzaku simply can't be killed by the Geass, because I ordered him to live. So, to eliminate him, the Geass would have to go against itself. "

C.C's eyes widdened:

"- You mean... but then, how do you keep him from forgiving you and thus breaking the spell of solitude ?

\- I found the answer to that question not too long ago: don't you find his behavior kind of... weird ? Don't you find this odd, that even after going after me, after he arrested me, dragged me in front of my father and let him erase my memory, after he stepped on me to access the title of Knight of the Round, Suzaku still hasn't had enough ? This is nothing else than the Geass' answer to the paradox of solitude. Since he couldn't make Suzaku disappear, there was only one solution left: to avoid any contradiction, the Geass has to fuel Suzaku's hate. First it gave him defensive reflexes, now it has to protect him from it's own laws. As long this balance is maintained, Suzaku will remain my enemy and I will pay my price as promised."

C.C starred at him with a dazed expression. Gone was the boiling volcano that threatened to explode minutes ago.

"- Did you just understand that on your own ?

-Let's say that I took the time to think about it.

-So you think that nothing can break the balance that the Geass established ?

\- As long as I content myself with ordering Suzaku around, nothing should happen. But it would be too risky to have a conversation with him about Euphy.

\- You realize what that means, right ? We are currently walking on the thread of a blade: if you step aside once, the Geass might very well judge him too difficult to control and get rid of him at once. He might die by your hands. "

They stayed silent for a moment, without either of them speaking. The two accomplices seemed to become aware for the first time of the tight bond that connected them together. They suddenly felt like two deformed beings, united under one same fate and kept away from the rest of the world on an island of pain.

Only then did Lelouch open his mouth to speak. He seemed to hesitate, and articulated slowly:

\- "That's not all. I thought, that maybe... it would make things simpler for Suzaku. Since he's going to kill me tomorrow, I want this moment to be his liberation. You have no idea how it hurts to see him craving for death. He never forgave himself for killing his father. I think... you know... I think he has suffered enough because of me. I hoped that he could rebuild his life and start all over again after the Zero Requiem. You think I'm an idiot, don't you ?"

He had said those words to C.C who was smiling softly.

"- I don't. On the contrary. It doesn't surprise me, coming from you."

Lelouch looked at her fondly.

" - I must prepare for tomorrow's celebration. Will you come ?"

As he spoke, he offered a hand to C.C, who took it gingerly.

"- Most certainly, your Majesty. "

They walked down the same corridor they went through sooner.

And just like that, the mortuary was empty again.

* * *

Hidden behind a marble wall, collapsed against a stone pillar, Suzaku began to sob uncontrollably. He hadn't had time to leave the mortuary, before Lelouch's words stopped him in his tracks. Feeling a shameful curiosity eating him, he stood silently in the corridor. There, he heard the whole conversation very distinctly.

And then went the revelation.

Horrified by what he was hearing, Suzaku had listened to Lelouch dissecting his behavior at the light of the Geass and suddenly, a click could be heard in a corner of his mind, like the sound of a lock being forced. Everything came back to him. The deaths of Euphemia, Shirley and Rollo, of which he used to accuse Lelouch, and that Lelouch mentioned with a pain that burnt hotter than Suzaku's hate ever would. He had forced himself to hear the terrible truth to the end. Since Lelouch had been able to hide it all the way, he himself should be able to at least endure it. Suddenly, it seemed to him that Lelouch hadn't been the only one to know, as if a small part of the truth had been kept hidden deep inside him, concealed behind the thick veil of anger and resentment. This evening, Suzaku found himself becoming the main player in Lelouch's cruel punishment, when he thought that he was fighting for justice. His fight was biased since the beginning, his ideals manipulated by the implacable logic of one superior being: the Geass.

So this was the end, wasn't it ? If he heard right, there wasn't much time left for him. At least, he had found the meaning behind his nightmares, and the hate that was consuming him to the core had vanished like a campfire under the cold November rain. He was finally free from the Geass. Lelouch was going to live as he deserved and Suzaku was going to die at peace.

* * *

As Suzaku woke up, he was met for the second time with deafening silence. The day was bright and the sun's beams were descending on his standing form, dazzling him. His eyes were wide open, but he couldn't remember how he had gotten on top of this huge platform. He felt the weight of Zero's mask on his head and the tug of the heavy velvet cloak behind him. He stared dumbfounded at his gloved hands. They were holding the handle of his sword, the one he had provided for the Zero Requiem. Then, did this mean...

As clarity struck him, Suzaku heard a faint gasp of pain. Horrified, he then looked at the other end of his sword, where the blade pierced Lelouch's chest. Crimson blood was oozing from the wound and his friend's face was distorted in a pained grimace.

"-Lelouch..."

The name escaped his lips like a silent prayer, and he felt tears beginning to run down his cheeks. It took him some time to understand his mistake: still shocked by what he had heard, Suzaku had forgotten one thing. He didn't even went after Lelouch. He didn't look at him in the eyes and tell him that he was forgiven. So this was the Geass' answer, wasn't it? It had favored Lelouch's payment to Suzaku's hate. This was all his fault. Forgiveness was meant to be shared and yet, Suzaku let his friend leave and be left all alone. Now Lelouch was dying, and he was dying alone...or so he thought.

Lelouch's head now rested on his shoulder and Suzaku mustered all his courage to whisper in his ear :

"- I forgive you, Lelouch. Please, come back to us someday, my friend."

So Lelouch died, a peaceful smile on his face.

* * *

Thank you all for reading this fic, please feel free to leave a review ;)


End file.
